Of Trust and Mad Hatters
by Rhianna-Aurora
Summary: She's spent her whole life waiting for the other shoe to drop. Trust is a tricky business for Alice Hamilton.


**A/N: Eventually I'll write something of a little more substance for this fandom, but tonight was an introspective night for me. I really just wanted to delve into what might be going on in Alice's head as she wonders whether or not Hatter is coming back. Set during the movie.**

**_Of Trust and Mad Hatters_**

She spent her life waiting for the other shoe to drop.

She supposed this had always been her problem. She just … _expected_ people to let her down. She expected them to leave, and not come back. She'd grown so used to it happening. Sometimes she _made_ it happen, herself.

She just pushed people away. Her mother was always telling her that they wouldn't all leave, but she'd yet to find the person to prove her mom right. Nobody wanted to put up with her moodiness, nobody wanted to let her scream and cry and shout to the heavens. They all just wanted her to be there, for them, and when she _couldn't_, they left.

Even Jack. She had thought he might be someone who could be _really _special to her … but he might've been the worst of the bunch. Oh, no, he wasn't a lying, cheating bastard -- well, not _completely_, she reminded herself sadly -- not like some of the others. But he hadn't ever been hers, not the way she needed him to be.

Or maybe _she _hadn't been there for _him_. Maybe that was the crux of it all. He _had_ tried to reach out to her, after all -- albeit in the _stupidest_ way possible -- but she hadn't been able to handle it.

And what did it say about her, that after she had found out that Jack had not been who he'd claimed to be, that all she had felt was … numb?

But she wasn't numb now, and she would've given anything to be. As she stood on the small hill that overlooked the Kingdom of the Knights, she very nearly let herself cry. She had done it again, and this time … this time she'd done it to a man who in _no way_ deserved it.

_He wasn't coming back. _

She knew it as certain as she was breathing. She'd been _horrible_ to him. More horrible than she'd ever been to _anyone_ in her entire life. And he'd put up with far more than he should've by this point.

There was no way he was coming back. And that hurt her more than all of Jack's many transgressions combined. And she knew it was silly, and stupid, and there was no reason at all for her to feel that way.

All she knew was that, with Hatter, things just felt _right_. She'd never been able to say that before, and now that he was gone, this time for good? She thought that things might never be right in her world again.

The sun was starting to set, tingeing the sky with streaks of pink and gold, and she bit her lip, knowing that the tears would come soon. He had said, if he wasn't back by nightfall, she should do things her way. But the problem was … she didn't even _know_ what her way was any more.

She pulled his jacket around her more tightly, and turned to start her walk back down to camp, and Charlie.

And then he was in front of her, and she blinked, thinking that her mind must be playing tricks on her now. There was no way he'd come _back_, not after all the things she'd said to him.

He was talking then, telling her that they'd be able to meet Caterpillar soon, telling her that it was good news, and she knew she should be listening, because this was a _big deal_, and he'd risked a lot for her, but all she could do was stare at him.

_He had actually come back._

"Why are you lookin' at me like that?" he finally asked her, quirking his eyebrows at her scrutiny.

Her throat felt dry and tight, but she managed a weak, "I didn't think you were coming back."

He narrowed his gaze on her and blew out a heavy breath. "You still don't trust me." It was a statement, not a question, and she could hear the hurt in his voice as he said it.

She wanted to tell him it wasn't true, but she was deathly afraid to. If she told him … if she told him she trusted him, he would have _way too much_ power over her.

_He already had way too much power over her as it was._

She started walking back down the hill, knowing he would follow. She supposed that, in and of itself, was a sign of her trust in him. She didn't even have to turn around to check that he was still there, she just _knew_ that he was.

It was a nice feeling. A feeling that she shouldn't let herself get _used_ to. This was … this was dangerous. At some point, they'd figure this out, and she'd go back home, and he would … well, she didn't know what he would do. But they wouldn't be together. She shouldn't have let herself get attached to him, but somehow, it had happened all on its own.

_But what if she stayed here?_

Her brow furrowed as the thought came into her mind then -- unbidden, unwelcome. Tantalizing.

She couldn't stay here. What about her mother? Her job?

_What about Hatter?_

She stopped walking then. The very idea of staying here terrified her. But the thought of going anywhere that he _wasn't _stole her breath.

The next words came out before she even realized she was speaking. "What will I do?" she asked.

"Mmm?" he asked, looking at her out of the corner of his eyes.

"If I get stuck here," she explained. "What will I … _do_?" She was pleading with him, using only a few words, to give her a reason or a sign, just … _anything_.

He had come back, and that right there should have been reason _enough_. She was asking him far too much now. Surely he'd walk away _now_.

But instead, he turned to face her, and she looked up at him. Her heart was pounding in a way she hadn't realized it could. She _knew _that look he had in his eyes, and a huge part of her wanted to run screaming from it, but the other part of her, the wiser part, knew that would be a mistake.

"Well, then," he said, and his voice was low, "I'll make sure you're okay."

She didn't know why, since he was hardly the first man to make such a promise to her, but she believed him.

His hand was on her arm then, and he was drawing her nearer to him. Her breath hitched in her throat as she looked into his eyes, and she could see the longing there. Longing for _her_, longing that she realized he'd been hiding this entire time.

_This man -- this man who came back -- he wants me. He actually wants ME, and all my screaming and yelling and moodiness and complete and utter irrationality ... He came back here. For ME._

Her eyelids fluttered closed, and she could feel his breath whisper across her lips, warm and sweet. "I think your luck is finally changing," he whispered, scant seconds before …

She supposed it was a good thing that Jack showed up when he did. Otherwise she might've actually _kissed_ Hatter, and she might've loved it and never wanted to stop, and she might've lost herself in his brown eyes and his cocky smirk, and she might've stayed there forever, believing in happily-ever-afters after all.

This way was better, she told herself as she rode away with Jack. This is what grown-ups do. She couldn't _stay_ in Wonderland, and kissing Hatter would only have made her _want _to.

Still, something inside her broke that day, riding away from the man who'd come back, because she knew he wouldn't come back again.

_Except that he did._


End file.
